So...

I made a vow when I started this blog, that I didn't want my blog to just be statements and news updates about what's going on great in my life. I wanted to be real and honest and, well, personal... so... here's to sharing a part of my life.
As most of you probably know, I've started seeing a psychologist lately. Well, I love her to death! She is opening up my eyes about a lot. Starting back in September of last year, I started having these little episodes where my heart would start racing for absolutely no reason at all. My heart would act like I was running a marathon, but I'd be standing still. I'd get really light headed and felt like I was going to pass out. They were random, and in the beginning they didn't come very often. Well on December 1st of last year, I dropped Izzie off at daycare around 9am, and when I was walking one of them started. I slowly got into my car and tried to slow it down by holding my breath, then, I just kept thinking I just want to get home and lay down, so, I tried to drive home. Well, Izzie's school is just passed the hospital and my heart was just beating so hard and so fast that I couldn't even drive... so, I turned and went straight to the hospital. My sitting heart rate was 160 beats per minutes. Normal heart rate is 60-80 beats per minute. So, they said I was in tachycardia and took me straight back. I was scared to death... I was certain I was going to have a heart attack, and all I could think about was "what is going to happen to Izzie?" "will she remember me?" "did I kiss her hard enough when I left her at school this morning?" "where are all her scrapbooks and my journals to her?". I was dizzy and literally felt like I was going crazy. I just wanted it to stop. I am so greatful that my stepmother came out there and sat by my side. I called her and she was there in 10 minutes. If you know her, her daily schedule is always crazy full, so, for her to drop everything and come sit next to me while I'm losing my mind, is really amazingly sweet. For all that her and I have been through together, she truly has always been there for me in my weakest moments. It says a lot about her character, and I think coming from the situation that we started in, I had a lot of walls up around myself from her, and in a lot of moments I was very hateful and really, it had nothing to do with her at all. So, let me get back on track... I will come back to this.
I went and saw a cardiologist about my heart racing and every test has come back absolutely normal. The cardiologist called it a benign erythmia. So, after a lot of discussion with people who suffer from panic disorder and anxiety issues, and after doing a lot of research on it, I was and still am very convinced that I had anxiety issues. I am currently seeing a psychologist through our church, Grace Church, and even though I've only seen her twice in the past two weeks, she's really taught me so much about myself.
I look back on my personality, and I can see a pattern of consistantly creating drama in my life at points when my life is finally starting to calm down. I don't want to act like my life is any harder than any other person out there, when I say this, but my mother passed away when I was 14 and (I do not want to sound judgemental when I say this, please understand I am happy for my father and for Lori) my father found love very soon after her passing, and I am very happy that he found that, but it was hard for me to accept this. We clashed a lot in our house for many years. And, now I look back, and I realize, I had no time grieve and really let go of my mother. I don't blame my dad and step mother, please know that. It was just an awkward time in my life to lose her; I was close to her. And, even passed losing her, I learned so much about her character that I didn't know before and it just left me confused and empty and no time to work through any of that... well, after years of rebelling just because I was so confused inside and hated all things outside, I just decided to pick up my life and move to California. California was a different world to me... it let me just be, whoever and whatever I wanted to be. But, I could just be, and I could pretend that old world didn't exist. I remember being so caught up in this world that one day I was driving and I heard the Dixie Chicks song Landslide come on, and I knew my mom used to sing the fleetmac version, so I picked up my cell phone and dialed 431-3112, my old phone number with my mother. I was going to call her and tell her that I heard it on the radio! Well, it rang and then said it was disconnected... and then I realized... she's been gone for 5 years. Don't get sad, just look around, you're in a different world. I went on living and like everyone I made some mistakes and just kept trudging on, not really taking any real lessons from them. I made some VERY big decisions in my life, that I'm not yet ready to talk about on here, but... things that still linger in my head with regret. Then I got married, had Izzie, got divorced, moved back to Tennessee, watched my mother's dad slowly pass away and then shortly after lost my mom's mother. Then, my father's dad slowly passed away. Again, I'm not saying my life is any harder than any other person, we all have our own situations to go through. But, my mind is tired, and I think God is trying to speak to me and my body is giving me signs too, that it's time to deal with a lot of issues that I turn from and jump into other things to avoid dealing with it. Now that my life has calmed down, it's time to take a few minutes and confront my true feelings about these things that have happened in my life.
My relationship with God has always been there, but it's never been as strong as I'd like it to be. And, that is completely my fault. I can look back in my life and hear God opening doors and trying to invite me in, but I've just been "too busy" creating other things to distract and just leaving the door between my heart and God cracked so I could peek over to His side whenever I want to. I pray for His forgiveness for that, and I know He will be by my side while I work through these issues. And, I am undeserving, but I just pray that He can help me mold myself to be more like Him through this. I'm ready to learn these lessons He's trying to teach me about my past, and I'm ready to move on.
So, this may all be too much information, but... it's my blog, my journal, and I want to be real and honest and personal, so, there's my personal note for today! I hope you are all having a wonderful day!